Monthly Archives: March 2011

Water and oil…

Tonight in my group grief share meeting we were asked to share one word that described how we were feeling.  I said angry.  Driving home though I remembered anger isn’t a true feeling, there is always a root to anger.  As my speedometer moved from five, ten, twenty over the speed limit, I looked down at the needle and realized my word is division.  Divided within myself, in life, in choices, in relationships…from the world.  Like oil and water, a clear line has been drawn and today the only word adequate enough is division.
Tomorrow I want a new word.

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What I miss the most…

I often find myself in daydreams over what I miss the most about my Dad.  Do I miss his mannerisms the most?  His in-the-air golf swings, his back stretches, his giddy jig, or maybe his “hell-o” when he answers the phone.  Maybe I miss his hugs the most.  The best hug I have received from any man that walked this earth was my Dads.  He side hug, his ill-catch-you hugs, his bear hug, his gentle hug with the kiss on the top of my head.  What I would give for one of his hugs.  His advice on small everyday things, on big things – how did he get so insightful and full of wisdom?  Even when I didn’t want his advice at all, he would just reply back with a simple “one day” and wow was he right, “one day” is actually here.

I miss hearing his truck pull into the driveway.  I miss the sound of his booming laughter.  I miss having someone to razz around with, to banter back and forth with.  I miss the idea of him, I miss the reality of him in my life.  I miss calling him, and texting him.  I miss dinners, and arguments, birthday cards, and ice cream drives.  I miss it all so much.

And now more than anything, I miss my fathers encouragement.  My Dad was blessed with the ability to lift people up, to encourage them, and make them feel stronger.  I look at my life and everything I have achieved and I know without a doubt it was because my parents believed in me, they told me I could do anything.  When I saw my father look at me, at any of his girls, I always knew two very clear things: he loved us all passionately and fervently AND he believed we hung the moon.  There was NOTHING he thought we couldn’t do.

There are times my heart gets the best of me.  Emotion sweeps over me and I wonder, was I really cut out to deal with this much pain, can I do this?  And as frustrating as it can be at times, I know I can, and I know if my father was here he would say just that.  He would tenderly guide me, encourage me along the way, he would send notes of praise to lift my spirits, and when that wasn’t enough he would finish the job with a swift kick in the butt.

My Dad believed in me and encouraged me; today I really miss that the most.

With that being said, Tiffany posted her first video she made of her playing the guitar and singing a song she wrote herself.  Now I know I am biased because she is my sister BUT I think she is really freakin good and this song makes me very proud to listen too.  I am so glad my parents took the time to foster confidence in us.  There are endless people with amazing talents completely undiscovered because they don’t believe in themselves, and they don’t believe in themselves because they didn’t have anyone who believed in them.  My sisters and I are so blessed to know we are capable of doing anything, even putting out songs on the world wide web that normally only the shower gets to hear.  Proud of you Tiff!

Image Source: weheartit.com

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For the record…

Image Source: weheartit.com

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Back to me now…

I nervously drove ahead, clearing my mind of the next few hours.  Walking down the hall I saw people, dying people and I thought, one day your loved one will be walking down the same halls as me and their heart will be breaking and you wont even know it.  It is sad when you think about it.

As I walked into the chapel there were a circle of chairs occupied with timid, closed people, a group of people who didn’t want to be there.  Our session began and we went around the circle introducing ourselves.  “Hello, my name is Jenelle and my Dad was killed five months ago”.  It was just like an AA meeting; a group of people not wanting to be where they were, not wanting their reality to be their own, not wanting to introduce themselves to their new truth.  My words hung thick in the air, this was the first time I had introduced myself to a group of strangers this way and my heart shattered just a little bit more as those words left my mouth.  I looked around and was overwhelmed with a reality that this room, these people suddenly became my new normal and I wasn’t ready for it.

I am looking forward to getting to know this group but I must admit I found myself often wondering how productive a group of people in the depths of their own sorrow really is.  Fingers crossed I will meet some great connections and learn a lot, in the mean time, here is a sarcastic take of my first grief group session.  And just to clarify I didn’t have this convo with anyone tonight, this was just a daydreaming conversation that went on in my head.

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Before I die…

I am in love with Candy Chang; a public installation artist, designer, urban planner, and co-founder of Civic Center who likes to make cities more comfortable for people.  Other than her obsession with maps, im pretty much in love with all her uplifting fun projects.

My favorite project she has done is her most recent “Before I die…”.  I find these ideas so inspiring and brilliant!  I would love to sit back and read a million answers of what people would do before they die (then I would be really interested to know if they actually accomplished that dream).  Love it!

Or how about these little stickers of brillianace???  Each and every one of them make me ohhh and awe!

Here’s some more magical lovelyness…

I dont know about you, but Mrs fancy Cindy Chang’s art makes me want to actually BE a part of these projects, if only our little PC city would allow such atrocities on our walls!!

BTW, what would you do before you die???

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You need to get out of me…

And I don’t know who you are, or why you say the things you say, but you need to get out of me. Here, there’s only space for me.
~I Wrote This For You

Photo By: tiffanyjadephotography.com

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Bask in the freedom…

I have so many things to say to past and present people in my life.
I wish I could sit them all down in a line and let the words of my heart spew from my mouth.
I would let the tears fall, the anger rise, the forgiveness shine.
I would let honesty tumble from my every word, clear my conscious, and lay down my vulnerabilities.
I would stop worrying about them and focus on me, even if just for the moment.
I would forget the consequences, bask in the freedom, and I would truly let my heart song sing.

Image found on weheartit.com

 

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