In the last few weeks ive been reminded by a person or two that I SUCK at reaching out in certain ways and so many people want to help but just dont know how. I have had friends specifically ask me what they could do for me and I thought this would be the easiest way to say the most important things that are helpful to me at the moment.
I feel so blessed and uplifted when I crawl into bed and think about how many people around the world took the time to pray for me and my family. I remember the day after my dad passed feeling the presences of a million prayers so thick through the air it was almost tangible. I knew SO many people were bringing me to God on a regular basis and I felt very comforted. Some people have even taken the time to call and pray with me over the phone while others have written me emails of the specific prayers they say. Every time I sit on the receiving end of the phone listening to someone pray my heart instantly relaxes, when I am sad I dig through my inbox and read through the prayers I have been sent and instantly I am comforted. I will never get sick of hearing your prayers.
I am not ready for certain things. I have yet to leave the house on my own, I have gotten together with few of my friends, and I am terrible at returning calls. Please dont take it personal, I am not meaning to offend anyone. I cannot wait till my heart is ready to receive a bit more support, so please dont stop and dont make me feel pressured. I just need some time.
Right now, hearing the question “how are you” is rather frustrating but I know it is a habit and I know you didnt mean to offend me. For the record though, if you are wanting to avoid the whole awkward question and response gig, I am not doing well, my Dad just died. Also please feel free to tell me how your life is going, even if your having a really bad day and you just want to vent. When you tell me your life is horrible because you were late for work and you burnt the cookies, I will indeed think to myself “humph well doenst that just blow, at least your freaking Dad didnt die”. BUT, I know that is my issue and not yours and I DO care to hear about what is going on in your world.
My brain is so fried right now it feels like it is a struggle to think of memories. I do love hearing stories about my Dad though (especially ones that include me) and I enjoy hearing people talk about him. My family has gotten many emails from people sharing stories about my father and I cant tell you how much I enjoy reading them again and again. When you have a chance write me a memory you have of my Dad, funny, sad, encouraging, anything; they are all treasures.
Please dont say “this will get better”, if you think it will get better then you didnt know my Dad. This pain will not get better and will not go away, it is a reality I need to deal with for the rest of my life. I will eventually learn to cope with this hurt better and I know I will get stronger as time goes on but please be cautious not to minimize my fathers life by throwing out simple thoughtless comments. I have many years ahead of me without the most important man of my life to see me through the most momentous moments of my life; this is a sad forever ache.
I feel terrible that I am failing miserably at answering my phone lately or even returning messages. There are so many people I want to talk too, people I even make plans to talk too. For some reason I am really struggling to do this. I am definitely experiencing a combination of shock and denial, talking to people seems to bring such a dynamic of reality so I suppose I have been avoiding it a bit. Please keep calling, I love seeing your name pop up on my phone, I am encouraged by your messages and I think im finally ready to talk more anyway.
Please do not ask me what happened. HELLO PEOPLE, think about it! Do you really believe I want to talk about my fathers tragic death? I cannot even bring myself to think about the situation on my own let alone discuss it with someone else. I understand it is difficult for some people to know what the right or wrong thing is to say to someone in a situation like this, but I am sensitive to people who are treading lightly. I promise I will not judge you and I will not take offense to most anything you say, but this question I will! Honestly give your head a shake, it was a freakin PLANE CRASH, do I really need to say more?
Although I wish I was one of those starve-myself-when-im-sad people, that is definitely proving not to be the case. I love eating and I dont have a lose of appetite…bummer! However life has been insanely busy around here lately and the only reason we have food in our bellies is because take-out is officially on speed dial and my sister Christa is here spoiling us with her cooking. To those people who phone to say “dont worry about dinner tomorrow, we will bring something to you around 5”, you are a blessing, thank-you!!
My love language is definitely quality time. Thankfully I have had such a support system of people willing to give me their time and their thoughtfulness. People have came by just to watch me do the dishes and keep me company, others have taken my car to change my tires and my oil, some load me up on decaf coffee, and some have even thought to bring my phone in to the shop just to get all my text messages permanently saved. All of these things are such a wonderful gift. To be simply thoughtful, or to help with tasks because either my father did them for me or my head is not in the space to do them myself is pure magic. I cannot say thank-you enough to all the thoughtful people in my life; you make me feel loved!
Everyone in my life has been simply wonderful and I am so grateful for your support. Thank-you for encouraging me and uplifting me throughout this time. Each one of you is so very amazing.